Thursday, February 21, 2013

Chicken Murderer Gunned Down at Last!!

Chicken Murderer Caught After Year Long Hunt!
Mink Shot While Trying to Run From Authorities!
Written By Jack Kelly of The Manhattan World
Midday Monday, a year long mink hunt came to an end in a deadly shoot and run. Mr. Mink, who had been charged with over seven chicken murders, is officially dead. According to authorities, Mr. Mink was shot to death as he was fleeing from the crime scene and running from police.
"I had went back outside after eating lunch, and as I approached the steer lot, I saw him slinking around just outside the fence." Explains the heroic Dan Shawhan, who brought so much justice to his chickens and family. "My heart started pounding as I turned and ran back to the house to grab my gun." Shawhan was originally going to go back to his duties of attending to the corn supply in the steer lot. The tractor was parked just outside the fence with the feed grinder. As Shawhan approached, he spotted the criminal.
"With my gun in hand, I snuck up behind him and got close enough to shot. He was heading away from the chicken coop and towards the tree line. I guess he came back around to try and get an easy meal. Once he realized the chickens were pinned in, I guess he gave up and was heading back to wherever he came from. I shot him and he ran...which wasn't very fast, but at one point he stopped and turned to look at me." 
A deadly mistake for Mr. Mink. At this point, Shawhan was able to rip off at least half a dozen shots, felling the murderous villain. Mr. Mink was brought down with a .22.
After giving his wife the thumbs up sign, Shawhan brought the body back to an ecstatic Chicken Lady. Residents on the Shawhan farm were immediately celebrating.
Mr. Mink's body was stored in an old grill until his public post-mortem execution, which took place Wednesday evening in a private ceremony.  Only those affected by his horrendous crimes were invited. This ceremony was held to make an example of what will happen if you come to the Shawhan farm and attack chickens. 
Those witnesses who were interviewed gave their accounts of the ceremony...
The Editor of this paper would not allow such details to be printed. However, one word seemed to be recurring  amongst all the eyewitness accounts: Hamburger.
This tragedy turned victory comes in the midst of a heated gun debate that is roaring across the United States faster than a Christmas tree set on fire. Thanks to Shawhan's Second Amendment right to bear arms, he was able to protect his family...and that includes the feathered members.
It also sparks debate as to allow a chicken the right to carry a concealed weapon. Chicken Hawk Shawhan A.K.A. "Zazu", told this reporter: "I mean, what if Dan hadn't been around? That creep would still be out there running around free. Even worse, if we had been out there and Dan wasn't home, one of us would be dead! I say let Prissy have a weapon so that if Dan isn't here, she can take out the attacker!" Several other members of the flock agreed.
Even though Mr. Mink is dead, members of the Shawhan flock still fear for their safety. They will continue to be allowed access outdoors under strict security restrictions. Authorities have no way of knowing at this time if a mink terrorist cell is in the vicinity of the Shawhan farm or if Mr. Mink worked alone.
In other news, the Highland County Weasel Coalition (HCWC) is seeking out legal help in drawing up a lawsuit against Shawhan and his wife. The HCWC says they were slandered under false evidence and accusations over a 12-month period of time, enticing hate crimes, threats and unable to obtain employment. It is unknown at this time if such a case would go to court or not.

1 comment:

  1. Honor to Dan our hero! Couldn't have been done without him and a trusty .22