Thursday, August 2, 2012



***This post is written with nothing but total love and affection for my nephew, Kenny. I am very lucky to have this little man in my life and I am very happy and excited for him because soon he will be a big brother! This post is dedicated to him...

Kids say the darnedest things....

Yesterday while lunching with Kenny and my sister-in-law Nicole, I asked Kenny about his chickens. (They too have gone insane and joined us in the adventures of raising chickens.)

"Good." He replied and continued to color with his blue crayon on the Frish's place mat.

Just after I asked him how many eggs he got the day before and if they tasted good, he tells me, "Our chickens are going to beat your chickens."

My jaw fell and hit the table. I think the waitress thought I was really hungry, because she handed me my food first since she had just arrived at our table with our orders. Nicole had to use two hands to lift my jaw back up. Kenny smiled that killer smile at the waitress and gave her wink as she set down his grilled cheese and fries. He began to hum a childlike tune as he dug in and chowed down.

Meanwhile, my blood began to boil. No one..BUT NO ONE challenges me. Dan and I are competitive people... (I've been mad at him the most on the greens of a miniature golf course. We both like to win...Go Big or Go Home, remember?)

Lunch was awkward after that. Nicole tried to keep a calm flow of conversation going since she knew I was struggling to restrain myself. All the while my head was spinning... he was challenging me...he knew how to push my buttons...he was starting something with me...gosh this kid is smart....cute too, that's how he gets away with it...what am I going to do?...I have to get home...I have to get out of here!

Finally the checks came. Kenny pulled out a fat wad of hundreds, "I got this one, mom," he said. The little guy slid off his chair and strutted up to the counter. I saw him give the waitress a fifty dollar bill and slipped her a sheet of paper. (I think it was his phone number.)

Nicole was rambling off a list of apologies as I was heading out the door. We were both in survival mode...

As soon as I got home I locked up all the valuables, I hid money, I pulled out Billy, my .410 and all the ammo I could find. I packed up food and water. I tore the sleeves off my t-shirt, tied a bandanna around my head, painted my face black and put on some combat boots. Then I turned off the all lights, locked all the doors and went outside.

Some hours later Dan arrived home and ventured to the barn. He went through the nightly routine with the animals and headed for the house. Several minutes later he returned looking confused.

"Becca?" He called. Do I expose myself and give away my position? "Becca...are you in here?"

OK, OK! I do love this man...might as well clue him in to the situation. Slowly I materialized out of the wall where I was blended in with it so well.

"What are you doing?" Dan asked. I told him all about my lunch and what Kenny had said. How we had been challenged and it was on!

"He's only three and a half!" Dan exclaimed.

"So." I replied. "He drew first blood."

"It doesn't matter. I've been through all the trials and tribulations with you and these chickens. We've both been knee deep in feathers and chicken liver guts. We've risen above all that and are in a good place now. We got 14 eggs today. Isn't that enough?"

"Not when he drew first blood. He started this. One way or another, it has to end."

"You are going to go to war with your toddler nephew?" Dan asked.

I answered him by slowly materializing back into the wall. The last I've seen of my husband was him walking away and shaking his head. I came back to the house to resupply and write this today. Now I'm going back to my wall and work on a way to beat Kenny Shawhan.

                                                                                                          ...cluck... cluck... cluck... 

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