Traumatized Chicken Pleads Case to Concealed Carry Rights

Traumatized Chicken Pleads Case to Concealed Carry Rights

Written By Jack Kelly of the Manhattan World

 

 Farmer Dan Shawhan and his wife, Rebecca, are no strangers to murder cases on their farm. They were victims several times last winter of felon and convicted murder, Mr. Mink. So far, this winter has not been much different.

 

"Luckily he hasn't gotten as many chickens this year as last year." Shawhan reports. "We have been able to correctly identify who was coming in and killing our chickens and we have been able to make appropriate adjustments."

 

One such adjustment Shawhan made was keeping his flock confined to their coop day and night. After several weeks since the last attack and with nicer weather, Shawhan and his wife agreed it might be safe enough to let their chickens outside again. They were right, but not for long.

 

"On Friday he came back. Unfortunately, he got one of our Golden Comets. The chickens will be locked in again and hopefully we can trap him and kill him this time."

 

Police report that security measures have been in place in Kennel Bar for several weeks, but after Friday's murder, efforts have been revamped. These include longer hours the trap is open and using the recently deceased as mink bait.

 

Shawhan reported to authorities this morning that his trap had in fact caught something. Though it was not the intended Mr. Mink, Shawhan made a successful citizen's arrest for Mr. Raccoon Puffball, who had warrants out for his arrest of stealing crops. "We are just glad the trap is working. Now all we need to get the right culprit." Shawhan stated.

 

Friday evening, Shawhan reported having to rescue one of his birds from the trauma of Mr. Mink's recent attack. Ms. Prissy Cluck Cluck was reported to have been badly shaken from the attack, even though she sustained no injuries. Shawhan had to go out into the steer lot and coax her back inside the safety of the coop.

 

This morning we were able to speak with Ms. Cluck Cluck.

 

"I have lived though attack after attack! There's only so much a chicken can take."

 

Ms. Cluck Cluck asked Shawhan if he would sign her up for the next concealed carry class.

 

"I don't see why I wouldn't be allowed to get one." Cluck Cluck stated. "It is my right...as an American chicken citizen. I also I want to be able to defend myself. I am tired of feeling like a victim." Cluck Cluck also described all the places she feels a chicken could successfully carry a concealed weapon.

 

Police are in agreement with Cluck Cluck's request to obtain a CCW permit. It would allow her to possibly take out Mr. Mink in a more accurate way than hoping he walks into a trap.

 

Shawhan however is skeptical of Cluck Cluck's ability to conceal and carry. He also questions her sanity in possessing a deadly weapon.

 

"I will take this to the next level if I have to." Cluck Cluck stated. "I will not rest until I feel safe and that I know for certain I am safe. If Dan Shawhan and his wife can't protect me properly, you better believe I will take it into my own hands to ensure my safety."

 

Cluck Cluck is starting a membership rally for other chickens and fowl who are also interested in obtaining a CCW permit. Her first meeting will be held on Monday, March 4th at 7:00 P.M. on the Shawhan farm.